Confused

Confused! 
That is the word for me lately.  I have no idea what to write, things are confusing right now for me and I am not sure why.  Well, perhaps it has to do with the way I live, or the way I am not living.  I have major chronic depression and anxiety.  I was put on meds about 5 years ago, well, as you and I can tell, they are not working.  I have stopped 2 of them and the DR said to stay on the Prozac.  I feel it is not working! I hate to do the med shuffle and those type of meds make you blow up like a balloon, no matter how much you exercise or diet.  So, that makes me depressed also.  Why can't they just make a med, that works with your seritonin and makes you normal again, normal meaning happy, not sad everyday.  OK, can you tell by now, I have no clue what to write about, except my issue of wanting to be happy.  Do you think being happy is just a place in your mind, a place you can go and leave?   I wish I could just get there by opening a door, or a box, or car or plane, but I can't.
I am back now, I had to go see my mom.  I think as I leave how I have been feeling lately and I think of her, she just lays there in bed can't walk and can't get up. 
I looked over at the Hospital today and all of those windows to those patients rooms and thanked God, I wasn't in there sick again.  Then I sit and think, I can see, smell, hear and talk.  I can walk, run & ride a bike.  I can do many things, just confused on how to start for some reason.  Part of the depression I guess or the meds, who knows.
I have been thinking even though I am going through this (confusion state) I am in, I am going to try to put things together and just do something!  Perhaps working in my flower bed...or perhaps a walk, OMG, I am sooo confused, I can't even decide on what to do or where to go.