Releasing Some Random Thoughts

Hello, glad you stopped by, I really need a friend right about now, and the only one here is my husband, but as my counselor says " I thought friends liked each other and got along?".  I probably should just tell you now, that the reason there are no friends around is because I have this trust issue with people and for years I just don't trust anyone.  I have to tell you that it didn't just happen over night though. 
It's about time that I just let everything out and start from the beginning. 
Ok, well, first things first.  I started this about mid August and have been so depressed, I just didn't bother to keep up with it.  Have you ever felt you were being so dragged down with so many negative emotions as well as negative physical symptoms? And when so many things at one time come at you, you feel you are going to crash?  When I say crash, I am explaining how I feel when to much is happening to often.  Any hopes or dreams I had are now gone.  Have you ever felt that you mentally or physically just can't keep it together?  There are too many things going on in my life at the moment & my family is not helping the matter at all.  I can't take much more.
My mom screams at me because she feels I shouldn't be outside working in the yard, but, I have to get out at least once a week. I would of been declared insane long time ago if I stayed in this house seven days a week.  And, when I say "my mom would yell at me," I am not a teen or in my twenties, I am almost 49!  Like right now, I just boxed up 3 totes of beautiful clothing that I bought through the years that do not fit and have kept them in hopes someday they may fit again, I was smart to put the date on each tote when they were packed, I figured after one year and they still don't fit, I will toss or donate them, maybe. That is why my mother yells, like the totes I just mentioned I dragged to the attic and now my back is at a 10 in pain. Perhaps she does care, but that is another story to blog about. 
I have had chronic pain for 24 years.  I really am not suppose to do much, 24 years ago the specialist that I went to see at the request of my Dr. and he told me so many things not to do, one such as sweeping a floor.  At that time, I was in my twenties and I have to say, when Dr's tell you this or that and you are young (at least for me) I didn't take it seriously.  I definitely should have because now the MRI's I had recently shows the wear and tear of doing things, like sweeping the floor.  I didn't listen to the Specialist back 20+ years ago and now have no cushions in between my discs, the correct medical term is called the inter vertebral discs.  Again, that is another blog and that one is called My Chronic Pain Story.  I have the blog, but haven't started it yet.  I want  to say if you are reading this and you have a back problems, please listen to your Doctor because there are reasons for what they are saying to you!  Trust Me...

July is National Blueberry Month & The 37th annual Machias Wild Blueberry Festival

NATIONAL BLUEBERRY MONTH

Maine is the top producer of wild blueberries in the United States, harvesting some 74.6 million pounds last year!

It started in 1999 – with an official proclamation and everything! – July has been known and will be known as National Blueberry Month

July is a time for American flags, fireworks and barbecues. But while you and your family are gearing up for the Fourth of July weekend, take some time this month to enjoy one patriotic fruit--the blueberry.

Did you know that approximately 150 million, that is the total number of hot dogs that was supposedly eaten on the 4th of July.

Did you know that a single blueberry bush can produce up to 6000 blueberries a year?

Blueberries are full of antioxidants and studies have shown that they are higher than most other fruits and vegetables and it reduces the risk of certain cancers and heart disease.. Antioxidants are important in disease prevention they protect and repair cells from damage caused by free radicals, it also strengthens your immune system and help to prevent chronic diseases like cancer.  It also lowers your blood pressure, it helps with your memory also.  It also has high fiber and helps to regulate your blood sugar and has the good carbohydrates, which help you absorb the protein that assists with building "muscle."

Did you know that the Native Americans used the fruit, leaves and the roots of the plant to treat coughs, to flavor soups and to dye cloth and also, the American Indians picked and sun-dried the berries, and even used them to preserve their deer meat.

The low-bush blueberries, which stand less than a foot high, thrive in the sandy, high-acid soil found in Washington County, Maine.  Machias, ME is located in Washington County, many people say that Machias has become the unofficial Wild Blueberry Capital of the World.

Since I brought up Machias, Maine, keep in mind that every year for 36 years there is a festival in Machias, Me.   The festival celebrates the harvest of the regions most important crop, the low-bush wild blueberries. Events are shaping up for the 37th annual Wild Blueberry Festival, held each summer in Machias. Cooking contests, hundreds of craft vendors, concerts and other events bring thousands to Machias on August 18th & 19th.  This year to mention a few of the festival activities there will be crafters and vendors, food, a children's parade, a "homegrown musical," a road race, and a blueberry pie-eating contest, those are some of the highlights of the weekend. For schedules, vendor/crafter applications, and more information, go to www.machiasblueberry.com.  

The 37th annual Machias Wild Blueberry Festival, will be held on August 18-19, 2012. Crafts, musical entertainment, road race, pie-eating contest, food, kids' activities, and more!

To buy tickets online, go to www.machiasblueberry.com. Tickets also are available between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. weekdays at the church.

We are feelin' hot, hot, hot

If you have ventured outside the past couple of days, you are probably aware that Maine, along with much of the nation is in the midst of a summer heatwave.  It has been so hot as temperatures soared to 102 degrees in many parts of the state.  However, with the mix of humidity and thick air it feels like 110 degrees. are climbing, not just outside, but inside too! Last night when my son got out of work, he called & said my apartment is 99 degrees.  I had to go over & see for myself.  Below is the picture of his thermostat and that is with blinds down & windows shut!  It was so humid in there. 

Not only are temperatures rising outside, as you can see from the picture above inside is hot also!  When my son got out of work yesterday he called me and said, it is 99 degrees in my apartment, I had to go over and see for myself!  The 99 degrees on his thermostat is with the windows shut and blinds down.  As I type this, my mind is thinking of the elderly people, the people stranded in that Amtrak Bus for over 24 hours, the heat is terrible.  And to remember to drink water as often as you can if you are in this heat, sometimes it is easier to go get an ice coffee from Dunkin Donuts. Yesterday I wasn't feeling all that well and was very warm & my body felt very warm, like I had a fever.  I mentioned it to my daughter, she is a nurse and she gave me hell, after I told her I didn't drink any water the day before!  What have I told you ma, she says.  The other day a young lady of 26 passed out in her bedroom on the floor and her mother found her in the evening, no one knows how long she was collapsed, but my daughter told me the day prior the young lady drank ice coffee all day and no water.  Come to find out her body was extremely dehydrated, and she was hospitalized.  So, please keep in mind that "Water does a body good."  And in this case, as well as many others I am sure, an air condition goes from being a luxury to being a necessity

Confused and know there has to be a change

Here I am going through my things and trying to figure out what to keep and what to trash & donate.  OK, tough decision.  While searching through piles of photos last night a paper fell to the floor.  It said Nov. 08, well, it is now 2012.  On that paper I scribbled how life was going in a few words.  Pain, hurt, exhausted, mentally destroyed and alone!  OK, now being 2012, not one thing has changed on that paper-except, I could add a few more feelings or adjectives that could describe me and then my identity would be revealed.
OK back to the drawing board for a moment. Below I figured a wordel could describe what I need to do!

UPDATE

Ok, here I am again, up in my drawing room.  I am upset this morning, so I brought my laptop up to my private room, well, it is suppose to be private!  I read the above again and sitting here thinking to myself, I am very unhappy, I feel so alone and lonely.  I feel that I need to make a change for myself, but, its more serious now.  I have a team of DR's, they are very good ones, they say that my immune system may be shutting down & my thyroid also...I have major chronic depression.  My husband knows so well that our marriage is hanging by a thread, he also knows I have said over the past couple of years that I am going to leave.  I also sit and wonder, will my health improve, will I be happier?  I don't want to hurt him and he says, he loves me deeply-he just can't show emotions & he has been lacking in the sexual & intimacy part for a few years.  I can't live like friends anymore.  I need more.  I want more.  As I sit here, I look out my window as a tear slowly runs down my cheek and wonder why, why do I do this to myself?  I worry about other peoples happiness but not my own. 
All I want is to be happy and smile, feel wanted & loved.  I am so tired of the medical issues, the surgeries, the wondering & I feel ok today, which is a surprise.  I am going to get up, go outside and take a drive and come back & let you know whats happening now.  Because, I can hear out the window, my husband laughing & joking with 1 of his friends that stopped by and here I am in my art room crying because I can't stand being here anymore. What is a woman suppose to do when her life is soooo unorganized, ok, that is a word I haven't used yet.  Hmmm, well, its worth a shot.  Lets go try to get organized!

11 Years married today!

Today, 11 years married.  Would you like to know the secret to "being able to
stay married over a decade and be happy?", or how about "how to have great sex and stay married for over a decade?"  Well, so would I!  If I could find just a few people that have been married, oh, lets see, probably over 35 years.  I figure by then they know the in and outs and everything in between, being happy,  staying married and can smile and say "we have a great sex life, or even we still have sex." 
Today, has been one of the worst days.  When it comes to me, my family  can be extremely demanding, my mom and son probably, (definitely, my son) I had to think on that for a moment.  If I do not do what they are asking or telling me to do, my mom will start swearing like a parrot.  My son, mental illness struck his life at 22 and stole his identity and he isn't the same man at all!  I tried to explain today to my son, he was asking me if I would do something for him (it happens daily) and I said, I really am not having the best of days and it is our wedding anniversary.  He said oh, well happy Anniversary anyways as I was asking you, I just wanted to scream. 
So, yesterday, no one really knew it was our anniversary it was just another day to most.  As you can see re: my son & mom.
As for my husband, he had recently bought some jewelry off a gentleman that had his grandmother pass on and no one wanted the jewelry so my husband bought the package.  He saved out a few and last night presented to me a tear drop diamond necklace.  It was nice, but I know, he did not go shopping and pick this out on his own.  I myself didn't get him a card or gift, the way our life has been the past 3 years, I had know idea what to do and to buy a card that has all this mushy stuff in it and you wouldn't say 1/2 of what is in that card, so why bother. 
He fell asleep on the couch and I went upstairs to bed and that was how the anniversary went, and I never did find out how those other people in the world makes their marriage work and last, I can tell you.  I do know from past experiences that patience, honesty, communication and love goes along ways. 

Same as yesterday

I really need some direction or ideas

Because everyday is the same as the day before and the day before that!  Nothing is different, everything stays the same from the time I awake to the time I go to sleep.

OK, how can I do things differently?  I read the other day that if you sleep upside down, you wake up feeling more refreshed?  I wonder if that is true?

I have to come up with a way to have a better lookout on life, if anyone has any ideas after reading what I am about, let me know.

Dorothy listened to a Scarecrow, something perhaps I should think about, I probably would be happier than I am at this moment in my life. 

Another Day

Today is Thursday,it is late afternoon,  and I feel like I am just getting my day started.
It is cloudy and misty outside, inside not much happening either!  I am trying to clean up this mess,  but it is harder than it seems, so much to go through.  That is another story, you won't want to miss, "My Hoarding."
Today, I have cleaned up the house, helped my husband in the garage, that is where he works out of.  He tells me, this is important and I need your help and you have to listen...God, he talks to me like I am a child.  I hate that, like yesterday, minding my own business, raking up near my huge rose bush, tree and he comes along and says, don't take all the dirt out of there!  I am like, what, isn't there more dirt in the ground?  No, just don't take too much, and then I said, I want to clean up all these petals from the rose bush, don't worry about it he says, and all I want to do is make the grounds of our home presentable to his customers.  Don't worry about it, it will decompose anyways.  That wasn't my issue, I like to garden it helps me relax. 
Today is now Friday, I will close this one, but that one issue & then one over a potato, went on until midnight was the last time I looked at the clock...

I put this link below for whom ever wants to read about the summer solstice, which tells us when that happens, how we are going to react and what we should do and be aware of.  And as she mentions, the year is half over what are you going to do now?
http://www.blogher.com/node/448120