Here I am going through my things and trying to figure out what to keep and what to trash & donate. OK, tough decision. While searching through piles of photos last night a paper fell to the floor. It said Nov. 08, well, it is now 2012. On that paper I scribbled how life was going in a few words. Pain, hurt, exhausted, mentally destroyed and alone! OK, now being 2012, not one thing has changed on that paper-except, I could add a few more feelings or adjectives that could describe me and then my identity would be revealed.
OK back to the drawing board for a moment. Below I figured a wordel could describe what I need to do!
Ok, here I am again, up in my drawing room. I am upset this morning, so I brought my laptop up to my private room, well, it is suppose to be private! I read the above again and sitting here thinking to myself, I am very unhappy, I feel so alone and lonely. I feel that I need to make a change for myself, but, its more serious now. I have a team of DR's, they are very good ones, they say that my immune system may be shutting down & my thyroid also...I have major chronic depression. My husband knows so well that our marriage is hanging by a thread, he also knows I have said over the past couple of years that I am going to leave. I also sit and wonder, will my health improve, will I be happier? I don't want to hurt him and he says, he loves me deeply-he just can't show emotions & he has been lacking in the sexual & intimacy part for a few years. I can't live like friends anymore. I need more. I want more. As I sit here, I look out my window as a tear slowly runs down my cheek and wonder why, why do I do this to myself? I worry about other peoples happiness but not my own.
All I want is to be happy and smile, feel wanted & loved. I am so tired of the medical issues, the surgeries, the wondering & I feel ok today, which is a surprise. I am going to get up, go outside and take a drive and come back & let you know whats happening now. Because, I can hear out the window, my husband laughing & joking with 1 of his friends that stopped by and here I am in my art room crying because I can't stand being here anymore. What is a woman suppose to do when her life is soooo unorganized, ok, that is a word I haven't used yet. Hmmm, well, its worth a shot. Lets go try to get organized!
